Random News of the Day: Wooing LeBron

Random News of the Day: Wooing LeBron

Wednesday, June 30, 2010
3:02 PM

By Joe Collins
CSNChicago.com

Random News of the Day has acquired a list of what each NBA team is bringing to Ohio in an attempt to lure prized free agent LeBron James away from the Cavaliers. You thought that only a handful of teams were involved in this? Think again:

Atlanta Hawks: Front office team plans to help rehab a charming three-bedroom, two bath home for LeBron. The 1 12 acre lot in the suburb of Lawrenceville will be transformed, with an assist from TLCs "House Hunters."

Boston Celtics: Now that Paul Pierce will reportedly opt out of his contract, the Celtics hope rebuild with James and a talented supporting cast, including Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish. Oh ... and Greg Kite. Don't forget Greg Kite.

Charlotte Bobcats: Agreement in place for James to take on Michael Jordan in a quick game of H-O-R-S-E. Winner decides on the LeBrons future in Charlotte. In the event that Jordan loses by three letters or less, the competition will shift to the golf course for an impromptu 72-hole tournament.

Chicago Bulls: You might not know this, but LeBron is already coming to Chicago. Two men, driving a 1974 Mount Prospect police car, reportedly have James with them. Reports indicate that they were 106 miles away from Chicago with a full tank of gas and a half pack of cigarettes. As a precaution, pedestrians are advised to stay clear of Daley Plaza.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Ehh ... a three-year, 5 million contract should do the trick, no?

Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban plans to pull off a sign-and-trade with Cleveland. It includes bringing No. 23 to Dallas and sending Dirk Nowitzki, Shawn Marion, Tony Romo, Ross Perot and the ghost of J.R. Ewing to Cleveland.

Denver Nuggets: New GM Jack Torrance, fresh off a successful stint as a hotel caretaker in the Rockies, plans to give LeBron the largest contract in NBA history, provided he stay away from the typewriter in the main lounge and the Snow Cat in the garage.

Detroit Pistons: A group of wily go-getters will march from Auburn Hills into Ohio, in a grass-roots effort to lure James to Motown. Group leaders Eminem, Smokey Robinson and Kid Rock plan on singing Bob Segers Youll Accompny Me upon crossing into the Buckeye State.

Golden State Warriors: Lifelong Warriors fan Danny Tanner, accompanied by longtime housemates Joey Gladstone and Jesse Katsopolis will offer unlimited special guest spots on Wake Up San Francisco and Rush Hour Renegades.

Houston Rockets: Once LeBron is signed, the Rockets will move to the Astrodome, which will be renamed the LeDome. Five-year, 470 million dollar contract will be offset by the 67,925 fans paying an average of 6,919 per ticket (Note: Salary cap to be abolished in September 2010. Shhhh).

Indiana Pacers: Head coach Norman Dale, who once told referee Dick Bavetta that his team was on the floor after sending out only four guys, reportedly doesnt care if James wants to play on his team or not.

L.A. Clippers: As we speak, a 1987 Toyota Corolla, driven by Billy Crystal, is on Interstate 40 heading east out of California. Representatives Benoit Benjamin, Loy Vaught and Olden Polynice -- who are piled into the three remaining seats -- plan to woo King James away with a Danny Manning highlight reel and a Blake Griffin glossy photo.

L.A. Lakers: A crash-course in Zen Buddhism by Phil Jackson. A few Laker Girls. Eight months of duct-tape around Ron Artests mouth. And a signed affidavit from Kobe titled You got next. LeBron signs the contract within five minutes.

Memphis Grizzlies: Front office has to first convince LeBron that the Memphis Grizzlies arent in the NBDL.

Miami Heat: The question has always been, Can LeBron share the spotlight with Dwyane Wade. The real question, the Heat front office should assess, is whether they can all share the spotlight with Marlins infielder Dan Uggla.

Milwaukee Bucks: In an optimistic campaign titled Were Gonna Do It, an elegantly packaged gift basket, complete with A&W Cheese Curds, Leinenkugels Red Lager, Violent Femmes CDs and Prince Fielder batting gloves will be presented by Laverne & Shirley.
Minnesota Timberwolves: The TWolves front office estimates that, if LeBron signs with the team, he will pass up Randy Breuer, Felton Spencer and Thurl Bailey on the franchises all-time point list by Nov. 7.

New Jersey Nets: J-Woww, Snookie and The Situation plan on having a hot tub party just outside of Akron, with LeBron as the guest of honor. According to reports, the key to a contract lies within a proposed GTL clause (Gym, Tan, Laundry).

New Orleans Hornets: Care package to include a sack of Krystal burgers, a couple of Hurricanes from Pat OBriens, novelty beads and the Sigma Chi fraternity from LSU ... just because they didnt have a place to crash for the night.

New York Knicks: The Knicks plan to send 17,000 of their fans to fill Bostons TD Garden. They will join the 1,000 Celtics fans who are still ... still ... there chanting New York Knicks! towards LeBron James from the Eastern Conference semifinals. The Knicks hope that the cries of their fans will be heard 639 miles away.

Oklahoma City Thunder: In addition to having a rest area on the Turner Turnpike renamed in his honor, Oklahoma City mayor Mick Cornett plans to give LeBron a novelty key to the city -- which will be covered in A1 sauce.

Orlando Magic: Another sign-and-trade appears to be in the works. LeBron, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the Cleveland Indians and the rights to Jake Delhomme will go to Orlando for Hannah Montana and a six-pack of Fanta Orange Soda.

Philadelphia 76ers: Brotherly Love takes on a whole new meaning as Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger visits the negotiations. The plan is to strategically place a pen into LeBrons hand, with a Sixers contract in close proximity. Pronger has been given the green light to gently body check Lebron into the contract, hoping that he accidentally signs it in the process.

Phoenix Suns: Dimwitted crook H.I. McDunnough and a local policewoman named Ed plan to kidnap LeBron James at midnight on July 1. Getting back to Arizona might be tricky, though, as they will be chased by a couple of ex-cons and a bounty hunter riding a Harley (cue banjo music).

Portland Trail Blazers: Front office says that the correct way to get from the midwest to Oregon is to follow the Oregon Trail. They will urge him to be a Carpenter from Ohio and to get as many oxen as possible to make the journey easier. However, Portlands rigorous health exam -- which includes testing for typhoid, cholera and dysentery -- could send the wrong message to LeBron and prove costly for the Blazers.

Sacramento Kings: Currently, no plan is in place to woo LeBron to Sacramento. With a nucleus of Ime Udoka, Omri Casspi and John Brockman, the Kings feel their roster is pretty much set.

San Antonio Spurs: Plan is to bring Tim Duncan to Cleveland and having him participate in a staring contest with LeBron. Loser switches cities.
Toronto Raptors: Bryan Adams, Neil Young, Jim Carrey and Dudley Do-Right head south across Lake Erie in a barge filled with Molson and Tim Horton's cappuccino as part of a goodwill gesture. Signing LeBron to the Raptors should be easy, but convincing him to close out games for the Blue Jays will be the tough part.

Utah Jazz: Karl Malone to be brought in to tutor LeBron James on what its like to win at the championship level. Oh wait. ...

Washington Wizards: Legendary heckler Robin Ficker has been lured out of retirement and will be brought to Ohio. Ficker, accompanied by a Speco Technologies ER370 megaphone, will use constructive criticism on James. In a soothing tone, Ficker plans to note how a 3-for-14 shooting performance in Game 5 against the Celtics can be a focal point for improvement in D.C.

July 1. Its coming.

Tick ... tick ... tick ...

Or something like that.

Joe Collins is an assignment desk editor for Comcast SportsNet and contributor to CSNChicago.com.

Ex-Bear Brandon Marshall an early favorite at NFL owners meetings

Ex-Bear Brandon Marshall an early favorite at NFL owners meetings

PHOENIX – Brandon Marshall never needed a whole lot of encouragement to step before a microphone but the NFL, which sometimes wished he'd put a sock in it, has now invited the former Bears wide receiver to speak up.
 
The NFL extended an invitation for Marshall, whose time in Chicago ended in some measure because of his insistence on pursuing the media portion of his career, to address the league higher-up's ostensibly as part of a communications bridge-building. Marshall jumped at the chance.
 
"They thought it was important for a player to come up and give a player's perspective and talk about the relationship between owners and players," Marshall said on Monday at the outset of the NFL owners meetings. "I think it's evident that our relationship could be so much better."
 
Marshall has been part of Showtime's "Inside the NFL" in recent years, flying to New York to participate in taping the show, and ultimately accepting a trade from the Bears to the Jets in 2015, which obviously cut down on his commute. The Jets released Marshall earlier this month, after which Marshall signed on with the Giants.
 
He told owners this week, "If we want our game to continue to be on that [positive] track, that it's on being super successful and being a pillar in our community and being a thread in our community, we have to make sure our relationship as players and owners is good."

[VIVID SEATS: Get your Bears tickets right here!]
 
The immediate response was more than a little positive: Per San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York:

https://twitter.com/JedYork/status/846400103472480256
 
Marshall predictably welcomed the forum and wants to see it expanded.

"I'd like to see more players be more involved in our owners meetings," Marshall said. "And not only at the owners meetings, but any time we're talking football, we should have players at the table. Commissioner Goodell is always open-minded. He always has that open-door policy. So I think he'll continue to listen and continue to evolve this part of our business."

Raiders-to-Vegas the latest in long line of NFL relocation drama, some of which included the Bears

Raiders-to-Vegas the latest in long line of NFL relocation drama, some of which included the Bears

PHOENIX — The Bears next play a team named "Raiders" in 2019, having just played them in 2015 at Soldier Field. Whether the Bears' schedule of opponents will say Oakland Raiders or Las Vegas Raiders is still fluid, but the Raiders are leaving Oakland sometime in the next several years after the expected vote Monday at the NFL owners' meetings.

Leaving a press conference at which NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, Raiders owner Mark Davis and a couple other league figures formally announced the foregone conclusion of the Raiders moving from Oakland to Las Vegas, a Cleveland media counterpart fell in beside me and remarked, "Well, at least that's one story you won't have to worry about covering in Chicago."

Maybe yes, maybe no.

The NFL game presents endless spurts of the byzantine and bizarre, so my colleague — who saw his Browns bolt from their lakefront to Baltimore one dark upon-a-time — might be premature with his effort at comfort. Besides, nobody to my knowledge ever took the temperature of Decaturites when their town lost the Staleys to Chicago (at least the Bears kept a Staley as a mascot). And a deal had been worked out, later abandoned, to move the Bears to Hoffman Estates in the mid 1990s, something that had been preceded by then-chairman Michael McCaskey shopping the franchise to various suburbs, low-lighted by a flirtation with Gary, Ind., to something that concept drawings labeled "Planet Park."

Hizzone Da Mare once told George Halas that if Papa Bear took his team out of the city, the "Chicago" part of its name wasn't going with it. And son Richie blustered regarding Gary, "Let them move to Alaska."

Well, I mean, then again, hey, if Juneau or Fairbanks can come up with the requisite relocation fees.

And you can only wonder how many members of Raider Nation are feeling that way about the Raiduhs, that they can go to Alaska (or Gary) for all they care.

The vote approving the Raiders' move to Las Vegas (presumably the league toned down any anti-gambling rhetoric for the day) was believed to be 31-1, with only the Miami Dolphins saying nay. But the side issues were everywhere and somewhat more entertaining, given that the deal was a fait accompli ever since the city of Oakland failed to deliver enough of a stadium package to keep its Raiders where they'd begun under Al Davis when the AFL was formed in 1960.

It was difficult not to chuckle as Mark Davis opined that he thought his late father "would be proud" of moving the team to the self-appointed entertainment capital of the world. True that; Al moved the Raiders to Los Angeles in 1982, to a second location in that market subsequently, and then back to Oakland in 1995. Definitely a legacy to be proud of.

And one for Goodell, too, who summarized, "You know that our goal is to have 32 stable franchises for each of those teams and the league," meaning stable financially, not necessarily geographically. "We're all disappointed for Oakland and their fans," Goodell managed to say.

The Raiders do have one-year options on their lease in Oakland for the 2017 and 2018 seasons, and Davis said that if their Las Vegas facility isn't completed for the Bears' 2019 visit (OK, he didn't say "Bears," that was me), an extension might be in order.

Some observers are waiting for a reaction statement from jilted Oakland mayor Libby Shaaf, who got a thanks-but-no-thanks public letter from Goodell this weekend and sent a last-minute one for the league to delay its vote on the Las Vegas move, which the league didn't do. Somehow the thought of the Raiders asking Oakland to do something for them in their time of need is something worth buying a ticket to.

In the meantime, the move proceeds as expected, adding another mystery to the NFL firmament: moving a team to a significantly smaller sports market from the one it already occupied; moving not one but two teams into the Los Angeles market that had been abandoned by the Rams, Raiders and even Chargers (one of the teams now returning there); those sort of things.

How viable the Las Vegas market is for NFL football is something that'll play out over the next number of years. For now, good seats still available ... in Oakland.