Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2010
By Joe Collins
Do you remember when Halloween was just about...candy? Some of my favorite childhood memories centered around Halloween. It was candy capitalism at its finest. If Halloween fell during a weekday, the fun would start around noon. The elementary school I went to would always have this campy costume parade followed by a potluck banquet of cupcakes, brownies and other assortments of refined sugars. It was like the pregame ceremony for what would transpire in the neighborhoods at night. And if Halloween fell on a weekend? Hoo boy...take cover. We would start ransacking the neighborhood at 9am, looking for Twix bars, Butterfingers or whatever else we could get our hands on. The best part of it all: it didn't even matter what costume you were wearing. I mean, name another day on the calendar when you can put on a flannel shirt, call yourself a "bum" and start ringing doorbells for candy (another fringe benefit of growing up in the NirvanaSoundgardenPearl Jam "grunge" era). But the best part of all: besides the parents telling us what time to be home, the day was relatively adult free.
Unfortunately, times have changed.
Halloween is rocketing towards New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day in the race for the "Most Annoying Day on the Calendar" award. Adults have wrestled the holiday away from kids and have made it their own. It's a joke. 20 and 30-somethings have turned Halloween into a celebration of ironic humor and debauchery. In today's "grown-up" Halloween world, guys usually gravitate towards celebrating a character from their youth. For instance, if they can muster up a cheap black suit, a fedora hat, a pair of sunglasses and a buddy with the same getup....POOF, you have the Blues Brothers. As for the girls, all they have to do is find an occupation and put the word "sexy" in front of it. Instant costume. Mix all the ingredients at a bar and serve while hot.
But I do realize that this newfangled holiday won't be going anywhere in the near future. It's only going to gain steam until bouncers start fleecing 50 out of people for cover charges to enter costume parties (see: Eve, New Year's). There will be a backlash...but not for a while. So, with that said, I'm going to be a willing participant. Im contributing with a list-- the 10 best sports figures and the costumes they could be wearing on Halloween. A lot of people dress up as their favorite sports figure on Halloween, right? But what do the sports figures themselves go as? I have a few hunches...
Chiefs Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis: Rodney Dangerfield
Cubs Manager Mike Quade: Fire Marshall Bill
Former MLBer John Kruk: Chewbaca
Olympian Shaun White: The Wendys Girl
Brett Favre: Hans Moleman from "The Simpsons"
(and for those of you who didn't get that reference, click here)
Troy Polamalu: anybody from Twisted Sister
Joakim Noah: Troy Polamalu
Giants Pitcher Brian Wilson: James Brolin from The Amityville Horror
Former Washington Wizard Oleksiy Pecherov: Stewie from The Family Guy
Former Minnesota football coach Tim Brewster: Schleprock
With apologies to the Golden Gopher faithful, I couldnt think of a better cartoon character to represent the current state of the Minnesota football program: Bad Luck Schleprock from the Pebbles and Bamm Bamm show.
And with apologies to every adult who aspires to dress like The Situation from Jersey Shore on Halloween, its time to bag the costumes and turn the holiday back over to the kids. Let them have their holiday.
And go back to planning your New Years Eve party.
Or something like that.