Sox Drawer: The Ozzie Guillen Show

Sox Drawer: The Ozzie Guillen Show
October 27, 2009, 11:30 pm

Tuesday, October 27th
When Emile Berliner invented the microphone in 1876, I imagine he had no idea the kind of words man would say one day into his little creation.

So it is with great excitement (for us), and extreme fear for others (the FCC, Fox executives) that Ozzie Guillen has been hired to be a pre- and postgame analyst for the World Series starting on Wednesday.

Youve heard about Must-See TV. Could this become Must-Bleep TV?

Ozzie has been known to say (and swear about) some crazy things as manager of the White Sox. In fact, there are times when his sentences contain more cuss words than clean words.

Its one of his many talents.

But honestly, unless former Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti sneaks onto the set and challenges him to a verbal duel, I dont see Guillen turning into Sam Kinison when the red light goes on, forcing censors to beep out the broadcast as if it was a test from the Emergency Broadcast System.

Still, Ozzie will be Ozzie. What will he do? What will he say? Who knows??

But if I know this White Sox manager, here are 10 things I am confident that Ozzie will not say during his World Series appearances:

10. Nick Swisher? I was totally wrong about that guy. The two of us should have been best friends, yoga partners, baseballs version of Laverne and Shirley. I miss him. Every. Single. Day.

9. Is it me or does C.C. Sabathia look a whole lot slimmer?

8. Sorry guys, I have to leave early tonight. I made plans to see the new Michael Jackson movie with Bartolo Colon.

7. I knew that Jimmy Rollins was going to lay down that squeeze bunt in the 9th, because we talked about it this morning on Facebook.

6. Speaking of Facebook, I cant believe Robinson Cano unfriended me! He says I update my status too often. I mean, I only do it like 15-20 times a day. Is there something wrong with that?

6. Dont stop belieeeeeevin!

5. Did you see Curb Your Enthusiasm last night? How about Mad Men?

4. Ozzie: I think Jerry Yang is one of the greatest bluffers of all-time. He always senses weakness. Hell raise and raise again even if hes only got a pair of threes. What a great competitor!

Chris Rose: Um, Ozzie. This isnt the World Series of Poker. This is the actual World Series.

Ozzie: @&!

3. I hate Wrigley Field. (actually, Ozzie might find a way to say this. He always does.)

2. Can we stop for a second and give a standing ovation for the umpires? What an incredible job they have done during the playoffs. They havent missed a THING.

1. Wheres Bill Melton?