Random News of the Day: Wooing LeBron

Random News of the Day: Wooing LeBron

Wednesday, June 30, 2010
3:02 PM

By Joe Collins
CSNChicago.com

Random News of the Day has acquired a list of what each NBA team is bringing to Ohio in an attempt to lure prized free agent LeBron James away from the Cavaliers. You thought that only a handful of teams were involved in this? Think again:

Atlanta Hawks: Front office team plans to help rehab a charming three-bedroom, two bath home for LeBron. The 1 12 acre lot in the suburb of Lawrenceville will be transformed, with an assist from TLCs "House Hunters."

Boston Celtics: Now that Paul Pierce will reportedly opt out of his contract, the Celtics hope rebuild with James and a talented supporting cast, including Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish. Oh ... and Greg Kite. Don't forget Greg Kite.

Charlotte Bobcats: Agreement in place for James to take on Michael Jordan in a quick game of H-O-R-S-E. Winner decides on the LeBrons future in Charlotte. In the event that Jordan loses by three letters or less, the competition will shift to the golf course for an impromptu 72-hole tournament.

Chicago Bulls: You might not know this, but LeBron is already coming to Chicago. Two men, driving a 1974 Mount Prospect police car, reportedly have James with them. Reports indicate that they were 106 miles away from Chicago with a full tank of gas and a half pack of cigarettes. As a precaution, pedestrians are advised to stay clear of Daley Plaza.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Ehh ... a three-year, 5 million contract should do the trick, no?

Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban plans to pull off a sign-and-trade with Cleveland. It includes bringing No. 23 to Dallas and sending Dirk Nowitzki, Shawn Marion, Tony Romo, Ross Perot and the ghost of J.R. Ewing to Cleveland.

Denver Nuggets: New GM Jack Torrance, fresh off a successful stint as a hotel caretaker in the Rockies, plans to give LeBron the largest contract in NBA history, provided he stay away from the typewriter in the main lounge and the Snow Cat in the garage.

Detroit Pistons: A group of wily go-getters will march from Auburn Hills into Ohio, in a grass-roots effort to lure James to Motown. Group leaders Eminem, Smokey Robinson and Kid Rock plan on singing Bob Segers Youll Accompny Me upon crossing into the Buckeye State.

Golden State Warriors: Lifelong Warriors fan Danny Tanner, accompanied by longtime housemates Joey Gladstone and Jesse Katsopolis will offer unlimited special guest spots on Wake Up San Francisco and Rush Hour Renegades.

Houston Rockets: Once LeBron is signed, the Rockets will move to the Astrodome, which will be renamed the LeDome. Five-year, 470 million dollar contract will be offset by the 67,925 fans paying an average of 6,919 per ticket (Note: Salary cap to be abolished in September 2010. Shhhh).

Indiana Pacers: Head coach Norman Dale, who once told referee Dick Bavetta that his team was on the floor after sending out only four guys, reportedly doesnt care if James wants to play on his team or not.

L.A. Clippers: As we speak, a 1987 Toyota Corolla, driven by Billy Crystal, is on Interstate 40 heading east out of California. Representatives Benoit Benjamin, Loy Vaught and Olden Polynice -- who are piled into the three remaining seats -- plan to woo King James away with a Danny Manning highlight reel and a Blake Griffin glossy photo.

L.A. Lakers: A crash-course in Zen Buddhism by Phil Jackson. A few Laker Girls. Eight months of duct-tape around Ron Artests mouth. And a signed affidavit from Kobe titled You got next. LeBron signs the contract within five minutes.

Memphis Grizzlies: Front office has to first convince LeBron that the Memphis Grizzlies arent in the NBDL.

Miami Heat: The question has always been, Can LeBron share the spotlight with Dwyane Wade. The real question, the Heat front office should assess, is whether they can all share the spotlight with Marlins infielder Dan Uggla.

Milwaukee Bucks: In an optimistic campaign titled Were Gonna Do It, an elegantly packaged gift basket, complete with A&W Cheese Curds, Leinenkugels Red Lager, Violent Femmes CDs and Prince Fielder batting gloves will be presented by Laverne & Shirley.
Minnesota Timberwolves: The TWolves front office estimates that, if LeBron signs with the team, he will pass up Randy Breuer, Felton Spencer and Thurl Bailey on the franchises all-time point list by Nov. 7.

New Jersey Nets: J-Woww, Snookie and The Situation plan on having a hot tub party just outside of Akron, with LeBron as the guest of honor. According to reports, the key to a contract lies within a proposed GTL clause (Gym, Tan, Laundry).

New Orleans Hornets: Care package to include a sack of Krystal burgers, a couple of Hurricanes from Pat OBriens, novelty beads and the Sigma Chi fraternity from LSU ... just because they didnt have a place to crash for the night.

New York Knicks: The Knicks plan to send 17,000 of their fans to fill Bostons TD Garden. They will join the 1,000 Celtics fans who are still ... still ... there chanting New York Knicks! towards LeBron James from the Eastern Conference semifinals. The Knicks hope that the cries of their fans will be heard 639 miles away.

Oklahoma City Thunder: In addition to having a rest area on the Turner Turnpike renamed in his honor, Oklahoma City mayor Mick Cornett plans to give LeBron a novelty key to the city -- which will be covered in A1 sauce.

Orlando Magic: Another sign-and-trade appears to be in the works. LeBron, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, the Cleveland Indians and the rights to Jake Delhomme will go to Orlando for Hannah Montana and a six-pack of Fanta Orange Soda.

Philadelphia 76ers: Brotherly Love takes on a whole new meaning as Flyers defenseman Chris Pronger visits the negotiations. The plan is to strategically place a pen into LeBrons hand, with a Sixers contract in close proximity. Pronger has been given the green light to gently body check Lebron into the contract, hoping that he accidentally signs it in the process.

Phoenix Suns: Dimwitted crook H.I. McDunnough and a local policewoman named Ed plan to kidnap LeBron James at midnight on July 1. Getting back to Arizona might be tricky, though, as they will be chased by a couple of ex-cons and a bounty hunter riding a Harley (cue banjo music).

Portland Trail Blazers: Front office says that the correct way to get from the midwest to Oregon is to follow the Oregon Trail. They will urge him to be a Carpenter from Ohio and to get as many oxen as possible to make the journey easier. However, Portlands rigorous health exam -- which includes testing for typhoid, cholera and dysentery -- could send the wrong message to LeBron and prove costly for the Blazers.

Sacramento Kings: Currently, no plan is in place to woo LeBron to Sacramento. With a nucleus of Ime Udoka, Omri Casspi and John Brockman, the Kings feel their roster is pretty much set.

San Antonio Spurs: Plan is to bring Tim Duncan to Cleveland and having him participate in a staring contest with LeBron. Loser switches cities.
Toronto Raptors: Bryan Adams, Neil Young, Jim Carrey and Dudley Do-Right head south across Lake Erie in a barge filled with Molson and Tim Horton's cappuccino as part of a goodwill gesture. Signing LeBron to the Raptors should be easy, but convincing him to close out games for the Blue Jays will be the tough part.

Utah Jazz: Karl Malone to be brought in to tutor LeBron James on what its like to win at the championship level. Oh wait. ...

Washington Wizards: Legendary heckler Robin Ficker has been lured out of retirement and will be brought to Ohio. Ficker, accompanied by a Speco Technologies ER370 megaphone, will use constructive criticism on James. In a soothing tone, Ficker plans to note how a 3-for-14 shooting performance in Game 5 against the Celtics can be a focal point for improvement in D.C.

July 1. Its coming.

Tick ... tick ... tick ...

Or something like that.

Joe Collins is an assignment desk editor for Comcast SportsNet and contributor to CSNChicago.com.

Why Kyle Schwarber is untouchable and how Cubs plan to rebuild bullpen

Why Kyle Schwarber is untouchable and how Cubs plan to rebuild bullpen

NEW YORK – Let’s start with this boilerplate Theo Epstein quote and file it away for the next time Kyle Schwarber’s name appears on MLBTradeRumors.com or a fantasy-baseball proposal for the New York Yankees.

“I’m looking forward to Kyle Schwarber — who got hurt in a Cubs uniform and is working his ass off in a Cubs uniform — coming back and hitting a very big home run in a Cubs uniform sometime very early next season,” Epstein said.

The president of baseball operations clearly has a special bond with Schwarber, selecting the Indiana University catcher/outfielder with the fourth overall pick in the 2014 draft, back when the industry consensus made it sound like a reach. Schwarber helped ignite those champagne celebrations last year by setting a franchise record with five postseason home runs. Epstein felt sick watching Schwarber wreck his knee in an outfield collision during the first week of this season, allowing him to rehab in Chicago and hang out in the draft room, essentially viewing him as an untouchable player because of his left-handed power and leadership qualities.

The Mets are the defending National League champs — with all due respect, as Joe Maddon might say, quoting Will Ferrell’s Ricky Bobby character in “Talladega Nights.” But the Yankees might be the New York team the Cubs should focus on now.

While the Mets returned home to Citi Field on Thursday as a third-place team — six games behind Washington after getting swept at Nationals Park — the Yankees will be in no man’s land on July 1 at 39-39.

The Bronx Bombers now have another month to decide whether or not they will become trade-deadline sellers for the first time in a generation, how breaking up the Andrew Miller/Aroldis Chapman/Dellin Betances bullpen could set them up for the future. And what surrender would mean for a YES Network/Yankee Stadium/27 World Series titles business plan. 

Epstein viewed Thursday’s action – the San Diego Padres flipped closer Fernando Rodney to the Miami Marlins while the Los Angeles Dodgers acquired right-hander Bud Norris from the Atlanta Braves – as more of a reaction to the July 2 international signing period (and Clayton Kershaw’s back injury) than a sign that the market would start to move quickly.

“We’re talking to clubs, just trying to see who might be available and where we might have matches,” Epstein said. “But there’s nothing real imminent. There’s usually a flurry of activity around (this time). Despite the trades today, I think it might end up being more of a slow-developing market. We’ll see. We’re not close to anything.”

Remember, the Cubs rebuilt their bullpen on the fly last summer with Clayton Richard (acquired for a dollar from the Pittsburgh Pirates’ Triple-A affiliate), Trevor Cahill (released by the Braves and Dodgers before signing a minor-league deal) and Rodney (a two-time All-Star the Seattle Mariners had designated for assignment).

While Schwarber-for-Miller buzz is great on talk radio and Twitter, for now the Cubs will go with the grab-bag approach, looking at internal options like Carl Edwards Jr. and Joel Peralta, hoping for good news on their Tommy John cases (Joe Nathan, Jack Leathersich) and waiting for Justin Grimm to get locked in again.

“It’s pretty rare that you rebuild a bullpen midseason through big-ticket items,” Epstein said. “Last year was actually more typical. They don’t all work out — that’s not what I’m saying. But if you have a plan and a process — and you’re willing to kind of cycle through guys (and) ride things out — you often get rewarded in the end.

“For a postseason bullpen, if you’re thinking that far in advance, you’re not talking about eight guys. You’re talking about three or four guys that you can lean on heavily. It’s being open-minded, being willing to let guys ride through their downturns and make adjustments, so that they can find it.” 

Minor League Roundup: Cubs, Sox prospects get ready for Futures Game

Minor League Roundup: Cubs, Sox prospects get ready for Futures Game

Each week, CSNChicago.com goes down on the farm for a minor-league report from both the Cubs and White Sox system, presented by Service King.

WHITE SOX

A pair of Charlotte Knights have made the Triple-A All-Star game in the International League. Matt Davidson and Leury Garcia will represent the Knights in the All-Star game on July 13.

Davidson, a 25-year-old third baseman, is batting .268/.349/.444 in 75 games this season with 10 homers and 46 RBIs – both leading the club. This will also be Davidson’s third career All-Star appearance. It’s possible he could miss the game, as he was promoted to the big leagues on Thursday, where he promptly broke his foot in his first game.

Garcia is batting .315/.366/.393 on the year with two homers, 18 RBI and a team-leading 12 stolen bases. It’s his first career All-Star selection.

Though Carson Fulmer has been struggling this season, the White Sox top prospect will pitch in the All-Star Futures Game on July 10 in San Diego.

In 75 innings this season in Double-A Birmingham, Fulmer has a 5.28 ERA with 44 walks and 75 strikeouts.

Zack Collins’ college career ended last week after the Miami Hurricanes got eliminated from the College World Series, but his pro career could get underway next week.

The White Sox first-round selection in this year’s draft will take some time to rest and then report to the team’s Glendale, Ariz. facility on July 2. The 21-year-old catcher will eventually start at Single-A Winston-Salem.

The White Sox also signed Tony Campana to a minor league deal on Thursday. The 30-year-old outfielder was released by the Washington Nationals on Monday.

Campana spent last season with the White Sox but sat out the entire season with a torn ACL.

CUBS

As All-Star week approaches in the majors, the minor-league All-Star games are getting underway.

At the Triple-A level, Cubs prospects Daniel Vogelbach and Armando Rivero were named to the Pacific Coast League All-Star team.

Rivero - a 28-year-old right-handed pitcher - has been in the Cubs' system since 2013 and has a 2.39 ERA and 1.142 WHIP this season. He has also struck out 49 batters in 37.2 innings.

Vogelbach has been making headlines among Cubs prospects all season. The 23-year-old first baseman has been absolutely raking, posting a .308/.422/.556 slash line on the season with 15 doubles, 15 homers and 55 RBI in 73 games. 

Over the last month, Vogelbach has taken his game to another level, hitting .323 with a 1.098 OPS, driving in 22 runs in 28 games on 16 extra-base hits (8 homers, 7 doubles, 1 triple) and has also drawn 18 walks compared to only 18 strikeouts. 

Meanwhile, Iowa third baseman Jeimer Candelario is headed to the Futures Game, which will be played in San Diego the day before the MLB Home Run Derby.

Candelario, 22, started the season in Double-A (where he hit just .219), but has been killing the ball since his promotion to Triple-A, hitting .344 with a 1.079 OPS in 21 games.

In the Futures Game last season, Kyle Schwarber took home MVP honors.

Elsewhere in the Cubs system, big-league pitcher Adam Warren continued to get stretched out to return to the parent club as a starting pitcher. Warren tossed five innings (73 pitches) Thursday for Triple-A Iowa, allowing two runs on three hits and striking out three.

He may be back up to the majors next week, at which time the Cubs will insert him into the starting rotation.

Preview: White Sox take on the Astros Friday on CSN

Preview: White Sox take on the Astros Friday on CSN

The White Sox take on the Houston Astros on Friday, and you can catch all the action on Comcast SportsNet. Coverage begins at 7 p.m. Be sure to stick around after the final out to get analysis and player reaction on White Sox Postgame Live.

Friday’s starting pitching matchup: Miguel Gonzalez vs. Mike Fiers

Click here for a game preview to make sure you’re ready for the action.  

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